Wow... over two months since my last post! I'm sorry, life got away from me and I'm just now catching up.
Etsy’s
question of the day on Facebook today asked “What are you most afraid
of?” Most people answered with typical things like snakes, heights,
spiders, clowns, some rational and some irrational. My greatest fear
when I was younger was rejection or disapproval, either by the “cool
kids” or my parents or teachers. That fear steered me into a lot of
self-criticism, low self-esteem, and bad relationships based on the fact
that I didn’t think I deserved anything better, regardless of what
anyone else told me. As I got older and realized how defeating and
untrue that was, my fear of rejection morphed into something else: a
fear of being merely ordinary. My greatest fear now is to one day look
back on a humdrum unsatisfying life devoid of all things extraordinary.
Granted, I still hold myself to (often unrealistically) high standards,
and the things that I would consider satisfying and extraordinary don’t
necessarily fall into those categories for everyone, but my life is my
life, no one else’s. Does everyone take pride and satisfaction in a
home-cooked meal? No, but I certainly do. It’s one of the little things
that reminds me how to really live.
It’s
easy to get caught up in the minutae of everyday life. It’s easy to
drown in to-do lists, especially this time of year, and I’m horribly
guilty of that. It’s easy to grab fast food or a pre-packaged overly
processed “dinner,” “forget” to go to the gym or turn on the exercise
video, and slug out in front of the television for the rest of the
evening because the rest of the day was so exhausting. It’s easy to stay
in the rut of a job that doesn’t use you to your full potential,
especially in this economic climate. It’s easy to let your hectic
lifestyle drown your personality. It’s easy to let your passions die if
they’re not convenient.
It’s
easy to get caught up in emotional causes like the Occupy movement but
stop short of doing anything to make a difference. I do support the
movement because of the underlying belief that money shouldn’t speak
louder than a person’s vote and I applaud those who are actually working
to make the movement worthwhile. There are some who are turning it
into a gripe-fest and some on the other side who refuse to acknowledge
the true goals of the protestors, which just leads to more nonproductive
finger-pointing. Luckily, there are many people involved that are
trying to keep things nonviolent and productive so I hope things
continue that way. I am taking the energy of the movement personally to
challenge myself and make my life feel worthwhile. I have taken the
stories of the 99% to heart, not as collective whining as some would
call it but as solidarity and comfort that I’m not the only one
struggling here and many of them have it far worse than I do.
The
fact that I’m struggling like millions of others doesn’t give me an
excuse to abandon my passions and sit around complaining. My job is
good enough for now, and will get better when other peoples’ fortunes
improve and they can bring in more insurance policies, but it doesn’t
define me. Luckily it’s regular and I know exactly what my paychecks
will be. Symphony started up again and we just had our first concert of
the season, so it’s nice to be playing again. I auditioned on French
Horn for the concert coming up in April, but it turns out they might
move me to that section before then. One of the current members lives
nearby so she and I will be getting together to play duets, which could
open up opportunities for holiday gigs, as well as with the rest of the
horn section. It’s really good to be playing again and especially nice
that there are opportunities for it opening up before my eyes.
As
part of these decisions I’ve been making, I had to cancel violin
lessons with my little student. She was finally doing really well and I
miss her, but her parents both work on the railroad so their schedules
were just too crazy for them to commit to anything. Lessons were
getting cancelled left and right, and sometimes they’d just forget about
it and leave home, so I’d show up to an empty house. I don’t have the
passion for teaching, I learned that in college, and I had taken on this
one student to see how things went, mostly out of obligation for trying
to make any money with music. That’s the one thing that EVERYONE
suggests when I say I’m a musician… “Why don’t you teach?” (I have a
long answer for that one… don’t get me started!) It had gotten to the
point where the flakiness of the parents was regularly disrupting my day
and I just couldn’t be okay with that anymore. It comes down to them
making decisions for their daughters and it’s not my place to be
critical of their parenting, but every week it became my problem.
Instead, I have now blocked off Monday mornings solely for writing
music. It’s difficult, since I’m used to running all kinds of errands
on Mondays and getting as much done as I can during business hours, but
it’s an exercise in self-discipline that I need if my writing is ever
going to go anywhere. What better time to work on it than now, when I’m
only working part-time? My goal is to apply for a state Arts grant in
the spring and I need a body of work to show them, plus I need to be in a
good routine of writing regularly enough to actually earn that grant.
More on that later.
Where
does this leave my jewelry business? Nowhere. It’s a hobby that
basically keeps up with costs and I can make gifts for people instead of
buying them. That’s worth it, for now. I may bump it up when I can,
but I can’t make it a higher priority than my music.
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